HELP! I’m the mum of a 3 year old!

I love my 3 year old. She’s funny, imaginative, entertaining and adventurous but let’s face it- she’s 3 and from my experience, with “3” comes a RUSHING flood of arguments, tantrums, high-speed chases, silent mischief, tears, screaming, sibling fights, nastiness and hurts. It’s like my beautifully well behaved daughter suddenly realized she could deliberately do things that causes a reaction. And to a 3year old on a quest for independence naughtiness equals power.

Ok, in theory I know why. kids have a steep learning curve towards independence around 3 years of age. They learn to get dressed by themselves, go to the toilet, sleep in big beds, help clean the house, cross roads by themselves (No- hang on- not that one).

They learn to make choices, “what do I want on my sandwich?”, “Do I want to wear the pink top or the purple top? or my spotty dress.” “Should I put honey or cocoa powder in this pot today?” (WAIT- hopefully not that one either).

They’re learning more about emotions and what causes them “oh wow, when I stand on the baby it makes him sad” “when I take my brothers school book, he gets angry”. “If I say ‘NO’ to mum and run away, she yells at me” 

But at the same time, she struggles with all those things. She tries doing stuff herself, but needs help. She wants to choose things, but not everything comes with a choice. She see’s others emotions- but also feels sadder, angrier and happier herself. And with all that effort to be more independent she finds her self in situations that are too much for her and she comes running back to mummy. She needs me more, but she only wants me to walk along side her, she doesn’t want me to guide her or force her or help her in any way.

So that’s the theory, But in reality- She’s driving me CRAZY!

So today I’m going to write a list of my Top Tips for dealing with Three yr olds. Not because I’m a know it all, but because these are a condensed version of tips I’ve read and tried in the past- and because I need to get my head around them again.

1. Give her Attention:

~make eye contact and take the time to talk to her about what’s expected: “I want you to pack the blocks, before dinner, you won’t get dinner till the blocks are picked up and if they’re not picked up when we eat I will take the blocks”
~A random hug and “I love you” or other sort of praise just after you ask her to do something works wonders too.

2. Let her do things herself:

~Don’t nag her. “tell you what, lets see if you can pick up the blocks by dinner without me reminding you again ok.- see if you can remember all by yourself” and then bite your tongue hard and DON’T mention it to her again. Just a note- if I think she has forgotten and I simply can not keep quiet, mention it only as an aside “oh, I might pack the books up before dinner while you do the blocks” or “Hi Honey. Dinner is almost ready, Our daughter is going to pick the blocks up.”

3. Give her choices.

~Give her free reign to choose on the things that don’t matter- clothes, toys etc.
~Tell her if I’m not going to give her a choice “Mummy is going to choose your shoes today” but then offer another choice “you can choose to be happy or sad about that”

~And my no. 1 about choices: Let her choose to disobey. I don’t mean let her disobey (especially if its dangerous!)- I mean let her CHOOSE to disobey. And if she does, enforce the consequences. Choosing to disobey is choosing the consequences. Also use the word “choose” often, when you talk to her. Ask her to look at you and say “are you going to choose to pick up the blocks or choose to have them taken away?”  and then WAIT for a response, respect her choice and either praise her choice- or take her blocks away.

4. Empathise with her newly found emotions.

~When she gets angry at me, when she doesn’t like the consequences and throws a tantrum, don’t yell back or even say “well I told you!” when I respond defensivly to her anger at me, she blames me for the consequence or the limitation. Instead, genuinely empathise “yes, it is sad that you can’t play with your blocks for a while” suddenly I’m not the enemy, I’m on her side. Not only does arguing with me become impossible, it prevents her from getting defensive, and it leaves the door open for her to come to me about her emotions. Plus she’ll learn that she IS in control of her actions.

~let her know that I feel too.

5. Stay close by her:

~Don’t entertain her tantrums but don’t ignore her either, refuse to get caught up in an argument- if she’s “lost it” so much that empathizing doesn’t work, put her time out and WAIT till she calms down.

~But don’t leave it there. After she calms down always follow it through by briefly empathizing with what they were feeling, explaining that reacting like that is not ok! (perhaps suggest that if she starts to feel angry she should either take themselves to her room to calm down, or come and tell me) then continue to put the limitation in place again and set and/or enforce the consequences.

~ give her a hug, tell her I love her and request that she say sorry.

6. Relax:

~ remember that all these new experiences are GREAT and very important for her in learning to become a beautiful, strong and independent adult.

~ remember she WILL grow up

~ enjoy these years with her

~ DON’T worry about what other people think.

~ I am not responsible for her actions, but I am responsible for how I deal with them.

7. LOVE HER. ~Always